Wednesday, February 3, 2016

We. Are. Not. Pleased.

Dearest Blog-Reading Hoomans, 

We have only one question for you:

I just...I can't even... really people. Really. 
What. The. Heck. Seriously.

First there was Spider Cat:

Is that a cat? Or is that a blob on a cat tree?
Who did a whole lot of not showing himself, busting out of the Cat Garden and leading revolts. And you know what? Despite not having one decent photo of that....that....that......troublemaker, you people swooned. You swooned. Sure, you haven't adopted him yet but you loved his little antics.

Then there was Arlo and Spot.

There is a collective shaking of cat heads going on here. 
We will not even touch the fact that they are dogs and therefore HIGHLY inferior - HIGHLY inferior - to cats. But what did they do aside from sit on each other? What? And again, you people swooned. Swooned.

I might be vision impaired but even I am bored by that. 
Some animals have no dignity. We expect that from the dogs but there really is no excuse for Spider Cat. There is a proper way to be a garden cat. Mysterious and beautiful and independent and hardworking without being an uncivilized stunt cat.

This, my friends, is how you properly Garden Cat. 
But you, you readers, you - you gobble this up? We know you like charismatic megafauna and all but let's not pander to our basest instincts. This is not a presidential election. We don't need more charades and mischief to get adopted, do we? Do we all have to start pulling off hijinks?

You want a stunt? Come in and see us or the giraffe gets it. 
Look, we can't all be internet superstars. And if we were, would you even want to live with us? The egos, the paparazzi, the constant pressure to produce... Isn't just being a great cat good enough? What else do you want us to do? Your taxes?

Let me tell you what you can do with those taxes....
We're cats. We're lovely, we're sweet, we're cuddly and we promise we'll never let you forget your place in the universe (firmly below us). But it doesn't mean we're going to do little dances and skits to get you to adopt us. 

Actually guys, I'm kind of willing to hop in the ball-pit for a forever home. 
If you want someone that eager to please, you probably want a dog. But if you just want an awesome, fantastic, loving companion then pop in and see us. And don't expect us to juggle or anything.

Sincerely,