Spider Cat: Elusive, Insurrection-Stirring Ninja Cat Seeks Appropriate Garden Home.

NOT Spider Cat. Stunt cat portrayal of Spider Cat.

There are certain things in this world that are beyond human control: Tides. Weather. Earthquakes. Politicians. And Spider Cat.

This is Spider Cat.

Actual photo of genuine Spider Cat.

Spider Cat is a garden cat. A garden cat is a kitty who grew up without the benefit of human companionship and is now a little wary of this whole people-thing. He's a happy enough guy, he just doesn't want to hang out with you. He might come check you out while you're putting his food down but he doesn't want to bond. He's got a few people he'll say hello to but that's about it for Spider Cat.

Stunt Cat doing unrealistic portrayal of Spider Cat that involves walls and toy.

 You're not going to watch TV with Spider Cat. There is not going to be an adorable Instagram account for Spider Cat that will win the hearts of millions. If there was an Instagram account, it would look like this:

Actual Spider Cat demanding more vittles.

which is not likely to win hearts. It will be a lot of 'Bigfoot sighting' type photos - blurry shots of a butt or a tail.

Rare shot of Spider Cat Spider-Catting.

We're a lot of things at HSSV but the biggest thing we are is hopeful. We think there's a home out there for Spider Cat. And no, we don't mean some sort of beast-master who will turn him into an adorable lap cat and be able to crank out that Instagram account we've been talking about.

Spider Cat is a worker-bee. He's looking for a cut and dried arrangement: food and shelter for vermin control. We know that these homes are out there because we've found a bunch of them for other garden cats.

This isn't our first rodeo. A while back we decided we needed to do better for our less-social kitties for whom very, very few options existed. So we set up our Garden Cat Adoption program for working cats who find themselves needing a job. We needed a place to put these guys - they don't do well in traditional, human-interaction-heavy housing. With help from our friends Marilyn and Fred Anderson we set up the Marilyn and Fred Anderson Cat Garden. It's a safe, securely fenced courtyard outside our President's office. There are numerous little snuggle shelters, regular meals and plenty of good hidey-holes. It's way more comfortable than being in the shelter for cats who aren't crazy about human contact. We then work with local stable owners, business owners and gardeners who could use a hard working, low maintenance pest-control technician.

Once we find a placement for a Garden Cat, we help their new people set up a safe sleeping and feeding area and acclimate the cat to it's new digs. Great, right? We've saved a lot of lives that way. Of course everyone is spayed/neutered, vaccinated and health checked.

Tab, a Garden Cat that was digging Cat Garden life before Spider Cat turned up.

Anyhoo, life was completely copacetic out in the Cat Garden until the arrival of Spider Cat. Because Spider Cat HATES fences. If Spider Cat had a theme song, it would be 'Don't Fence Me In'.

Since coming to the Cat Garden, Spider Cat has been leading regular jailbreaks. No matter how we fortify the Garden he's up, over, out and hanging out at the front door waiting for his friend Billie (who works in the medical center) to bring him some vittles and say hello.

At this point in time we have no idea how he's getting out of the garden. We have created a kitty Fort Knox. El Chapo could not make it out of the cat garden. Houdini would be stymied. But Spider Cat gets out. He is an unstoppable feline ninja.

Stunt Cat re-enacting Spider Cat's fence technique.

To make matters worse Spider Cat been teaching our other, formerly perfectly content, Garden Cats to breach the perimeter as well.

Leading us to a situation where we have a parking populated by unsocialized, hungry cats which then have to be lured back to safety with copious amounts of wet food.

Professor B, who really digs the Cat Garden.

We need your help. Spider Cat is done with the Cat Garden and looking for a permanent placement. He is neutered, vaccinated and healthy (with the help of copious amounts of sedation) and ready to find his forever place. As long as he has a steady source of food and a safe place to crash, he'll stick around and work out your vermin issues for you.

While he doesn't want to cuddle, he is friendly with the folks that put his food down. Billie and ACT Dynell can pat him and he enjoys chatting with them.

We do believe there's someone for everyone. We know somewhere out there is a barn, nursery or garden that can appreciate Spider Cat on his own terms. Someone who will get as much of a kick out of his antics as we do. Somewhere that he can do his thing without leading an insurrection.

Help us find that place.

A note on the use of stunt cats: When writing about an elusive feline who is even more reticent about pictures than most cats, trying to find pictures can be a struggle. While Billie and Dynell, Spider Cat's hooman buddies, did their best to take pictures of him he just wasn't having it. As Spider Cat is a black cat and we have a whole bunch of absolutely lovely, social black cats hanging out waiting for homes, we decided to sub in stunt cats. If you are a lover of the housepanther and looking for a social home-kitty, check out Reuben, Buddy, Prince Charles and our other adoptable cats.