Saturday, October 29, 2016

Halloween Pros and Cons: The Dog Perspective

Ahhh, Halloween. The pumpkins. The pumpkin pie. The pumpkin shaped dog cookies. The pumpkin on Poseidon's head. 

It's the same shape as my enormous noggin!
For the hoomans there's a lot to love about Halloween. But for dogs it's a bit of a mixed bag. We sat down with a council of pooches to get to the bottom of these conflicting feelings about the spookiest of holidays.

Act I: The Candy.

I better get something for this. Baa. 
The Con: Obviously we have to start with the con because it's a big baddy. Most of the candy is at worst toxic to dogs and at best, bound to make them super sick. And they want it. Oh, will they want it. They will stare. They will beg. And some of them will resort to flat out thievery and destruction to try and get their little paws on it. But there are....

Excuse me - there's nothing in here for me. There must be a mistake...
The Pros: Guilt. Pure, simple, unadulterated guilt. Helped along by a cornocopia of Halloween themed dog treats in almost every single retail establishment. Many owners (particularly those who have stocked up on the hooman treats) will feel bad about not getting something for their little muffins. And look, those Pumpkin Spice flavored beef pizzle treats are so adorable.... Yes, pooches. You will get something. Particularly if you find yourself in a sitch with....

Act II: The Costumes. 
Am I supposed to be a Chippendale dancer? Rawwr.
Pro: The attention, the attention, the attention. Oooooh, aren't you adorable? Look at you! There will much fussing, much hugging, probably a good amount of cell phone shots. Friends and family will be summoned to coo over you. Aren't you just the cutest little tiger EVER? And with all the cooing and fussing, there is a very, very good chance that those Pumpkin Spice Flavored Beef Pizzle Treats might be coming into play. As well as whatever other people have to offer. Because the only thing cuter than your big brown eyes are your big brown eyes when you're a Pretty Pretty Little Princess.

I'm not a pretty pretty princess. I am THE pretty pretty princess.
Cons: The costumes. Legs must be smooshed through elastic bands. SOMETHING is going to wind up stuck to your head. 

Why? Just tell me why.
It might be itchy. It might be uncomfortable. You might wind up as a politician, a food product or even (the horror) 

a cat. No, it won't last very long. And yes, chances are you will be well compensated for your discomfort with treats but still. Dignity, people. Dignity.

Act III: The Night Itself

I should make time and a half tonight. This is insane. 
Cons: The doorbell! It will not stop going off! Chaos! Bedlam! Many dogs consider barking at the doorbell to be their sacred duty and tonight it's beyond a full time job. They're working overtime. If they had a union, it would demand time and a half for Halloween night. And then when it opens - WHAT is that? People don't look like people. They smell like people (and chocolate) but they're in weird shapes, moving strangely. Brain...might..explode...does...not...compute...
Wait - peanut butter? And Gilmore Girls? Let's talk...
Pros: This is a tough one. If you're lucky you'll get a big old peanut butter kong in  a quiet bedroom with an episode of Gilmore Girls. Maybe they'll even throw some of the Pumpkin Spice Flavored Beef Pizzle Sticks in there. If you're not, you might wind up dressed like a centipede barking yourself hoarse while all of the monsters showing up at the door lean over you, reeking of chocolate you can't have.

So in summary? It's a little mind boggling.
I am mind boggled.
But kind of a toss up. Those Pumpkin Spice Flavored what-have-yous are pretty good. And no one can argue with a good amount of fussing. The key take-away is that we have adorable dogs who are ANGELS about costumes and you should come adopt one.

Do I have to pick one costume? Or can I just eat them? 

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