Sunday, April 26, 2015

Dear Dog: The HSSV Pooches Answer Your Questions About Love, Work and Life

Dear Dog,

Several months ago an attractive young woman moved into the apartment next door. We often exchange hellos and she seems friendly, gainfully employed and devoid of legal problems. I drive a Prius, she drives a Prius, I like Starbucks, she's often carrying a coffee cup - I feel this could be a real match. I think she likes me in that she doesn't run screaming when I engage her in small talk. Do you think she feels the same way?

Dude, she's just not that into you.

Krypto takes this one:

Bad news? Probably not. Just because she's not screaming 'stranger danger' when you greet her doesn't mean it's a love connection. Good news? Pets help attract mates. Adopting an adorable shelter dog - particularly one with an intelligent, pointy face and an athletic build - can spark the sorts of conversation that will lead to a long term, meaningful relationship. Plus helping homeless animals makes you look like a stand-up guy. And if it doesn't work out with her, you'd have me. You could drink your Starbucks at the dog park, where there are bound to be other attractive women who share your appreciation for environmentally responsible transportation. And again, you'd have me. I'm just sayin'.

You might not have a girlfriend but I have a tennis ball. So that's something...

Dear Dog,

I recently started a dream position at a top ranked tech company in the Valley and things haven't been going as I hoped. My dream position has turned into a nightmare of socially inept coworkers, unreasonable deadlines and a weird boss who communicates exclusively in jargon. Don't get me wrong, the free food is great but I'm losing my mind and I still have no idea what 'assertively reinvent compelling portals' means. Please advise.

Sierra's got you:

This is my 'corporate genius' smile.

Yup, you're screwed. Wait - did you say 'free food'? I love free food! Let me tell you a little secret about a lot of the tech companies: they're pet friendly. If your current job is a pet friendly workplace, nothing smooths rough work waters like an a-stinkin'-dorable spotty pooch with a fetching smile. Like myself, for instance. If your workplaces isn't pet friendly, that's the universe telling you it's time to pack your bags and move on to one that is. I promise to charm your socially inept coworkers, assist with free-food clean up and commiserate with you on the jargon thing. I don't understand "assertively reinvent compelling portals" either. Then again, I am a dog so I have a hard time with much beyond 'sit', 'cookie' and 'walk'. But we can figure it out together. 

This would be a great 'I quit' face. Just in case you need it...

Dear Dog, It seems all of my family and friends have become involved with athletic pursuits. Crossfit, Yoga, Zumba - all sorts of things that I have zero interest in. I've been grooving on the excellent offerings that Netflix has been putting out and resenting my recent lack of companionship. Obviously I need new friends that don't make me feel like I should be out getting sweaty. Is there some sort of friend-matching service for people who feel like Lululemon should be the name of a cocktail instead of athletic gear?

Princess and Charlie take this one:

Princess: Yes, dear lazy friend. There is a great place to meet the couch potato companion of your dreams. It's called Humane Society Silicon Valley. 

Charlie: Zumba? Crossfit? Oh forget that. Have you seen the latest season of Orange Is The New Black?

Princess: Yoga, no-ga. We should hang. Amazon Prime has great stuff now, too. We could get down on that. I love some sofa time. We could go for a walk around the block once a day just to say we did something and then catch their new detective show.

Charlie: I even use a dog door. Do you know HBO Go has Game of Thrones. You, me, Tyrion Lannister - it could be a thing. We should talk.
Princess: The moral of this story is that you have options. And with so many awesome pooches and so much on-demand television, the world is your oyster. Let the sweaty people sweat. You can slip me your pizza crusts and I'll lick your tears if you get all teary eyed over Dancing With The Stars. I won't even tell anyone you did...

The best advice we can give you? Adopt a dog. Have we mentioned we have the absolute best ones?

1 comment: